Too Soon!

Canadian Terrorism

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 14:22:58 -0400

“Toronto 18” terror leader pleads guilty

Zakaria Amara, 24, confessed to participating in or contributing to the activity of a terrorist group and intending to cause an explosion that was likely to cause serious bodily harm, death or damage to property.

Damn Canadians! Who do they think they are with their torture-free guilty pleas? “Look America, no waterboarding!” Assholes.

[via Digg]

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 03:00:22 -0400

[via Digg]

From Fiancee to Drywall

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 14:52:24 -0400

Body of Yale student found in lab building wall

“State police found the body at around 5 p.m. Sunday in an area of the building that houses utility cables that run between floors.

…

The body was found on what was supposed to have been her wedding night.”

Vietnamese grad students: the Soylent Green of insulation.

Perhaps this is Yale’s attempt at going green. At least it’s asbestos-free, right?

Killer TV Ratings

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:16:33 -0400

Brazilian crime show arranged killings to boost ratings

“Police … are investigating [Canal Livre]’s host, state legislator Wallace Souza, on suspicion of commissioning at least five of the murders to boost his ratings and prove his claim that Brazil’s Amazon region is awash in violent crime. Police also have accused Souza of drug trafficking.

The killings of competing drug traffickers, state police intelligence chief Thomaz Vasconcelos said, ‘appear to have been committed to get rid of his rivals and increase the audience of the TV show.’”

You know, there are easier ways to boost TV ratings. They’re called tits. And if hit TV shows have taught me anything, Brazil is full of awesome ones.

Retard Blood Sport

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 01:45:00 -0400

Trial of underground retard “Fight Club” organizer about to commence

“Jesse Salazar, 25, was charged with injury to a disabled person after being spotted along with other staff members in some of the almost 20 videos of forced bouts that police called a ‘fight club.’
…
The videos showed that residents were forced to fight each other for the staff’s entertainment. Residents locked each other in choke holds, tumbled to the floor and were kicked and prodded by school employees.”

This man isn’t a criminal, he’s an entrepreneur! Getting retards to beat the shit out of each other for entertainment is the best thing to happen to the world of blood sport since bumfights. I don’t know about you, but I’d watch Retard Fight Club over Mixed Martial Arts in a heartbeat.

Where are these videos and why haven’t I seen them yet?

Hockey Players are Pure Class

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 12:53:00 -0400

Blackhawks star Patrick Kane accused of pummeling a cabbie over 20 cents

“According to the Buffalo News, the fare was $13.80 US and the Kanes handed the driver $15.

After the cabbie told them he didn’t have 20 cents in coins to give them change, the Kanes allegedly punched him in the face and head, took the money they had given him and grabbed him by the throat, breaking his glasses.”

This is the difference between Hockey players other major sports stars. If Kane was in the NFL, he probably would have pulled out his gun and accidentally shot himself in the thigh. I’m still not sure why he needed the 20 cents so badly though. Perhaps there was a vending machine from 1959 nearby.

Abstinence and Fitness Clubs

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 15:26:00 -0400

Lack of Sex Causes Gunman to Kill 4 at L.A. Fitness

“He couldn’t understand why women ignored him, despite his best efforts to look nice. He wrote that he hadn’t had a girlfriend since 1984, hadn’t slept with a woman in 19 years.”

You see what happens America? You see what happens when you preach abstinence above all else? And to think none of this would have happened if some prude had just spread her legs for this nutcase. Sex saves lives!

Broken Space Toilet

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 04:34:00 -0400

Remember when we walked on the Moon? Can you believe that was 40 years ago? We were supposed to have lunar vacation colonies by now! But no, all we have to show for it are two h’exploded shuttles and a space station with a broken toilet. Embarrassing.

Cronkite!

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 13:34:00 -0400

Dead!

“Mr. Cronkite’s family said last month that he was seriously ill with cerebrovascular disease.”

Interesting. I always figured he was seriously ill with that common condition known as “being 92.”

Remember the time he shed a tear while announcing Kennedy’s death? That’s where Glenn Beck stole it from. Thanks Walt.

Iran: What a Mess

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 23:13:05 -0400

From BBC News coverage of the Iranian plane crash:

“It was the third deadly crash of a Tupolev Tu-154 in Iran since 2002.

Correspondents say Iran’s civil and military air fleets are made up of elderly aircraft, in poor condition due to their age and lack of maintenance.”

Seems Iran can’t get a handle on air travel or democracy. Modern nation my ass. If they get nukes, it’ll be like giving power tools to a 3-year-old.

Indonesian Travel Tip #1

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 21:25:39 -0400

From Canadian Press coverage of the hotel bombings in Jakarta:

“Investigators said suicide bombers who had checked into the Marriott and the Ritz-Carlton hotels had smuggled in explosives. Eight people were killed, and more than 50 wounded.

…

The Southeast Asian Islamist militant group Jemaah Islamiyah or its allies are suspected in the attack. The network is blamed for past attacks in Indonesia, including a 2003 bombing at the Marriott when 12 people died.”

Hot travel tip: when travelling to Jakarta, try to avoid staying at the Marriott.

We should have known that putting this many children in one...

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 17:24:00 -0400

We should have known that putting this many children in one photo would be too much for Michael Jackson’s heart to handle (via Google image search)